Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
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Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
best review i’ve ever seen
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way