I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
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What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.