Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
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For anyone that’s still confused here’s a cheat sheet for this week.
Sun
Idk
Wtf
Idk
Idk
Wtf
Sat
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
How to walk around a museum
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
Best seat on the street 😍
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
The booster protects against what, now?
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
I love the National Park Service.
