Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
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WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
yeah not falling for this one
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
also my go-to takeaway order
this will hang in the louvre one day
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET