Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

Wife: *falls in volcano*

Me: You ok, honey?

Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?

Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?

A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.

Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.

(one hour later)

Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.

Stomach: Gross

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”

Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.

The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY

You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.