Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Damn girl, are you the Sunday crossword because I want to spend all day doing you…
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Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re teaching the dog karate?
ME: Then it’s exactly what it looks like.
Alcohol is best served.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
I’m responsible for 84% of all cat videos currently available on YouTube.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE