*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
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Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.