Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
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[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.