Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
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Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
*looks at you in batman voice*
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?