Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
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Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
my dog when i have a friend over
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
#NoRestForTheWicked
pain
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things