Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
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[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Me, in DM rooms…
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*