The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
You Might Also Like
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
I’ve got 66 problems and being upside-down is one.
Me : I wanna go home
Boss: where’s your dedication?
Me : I left it at home can I go get it ?
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.