Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
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[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*