Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?

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The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.


GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?


Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10


hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe


I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.


Her: My baby is 28 months old.

Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?


Me : I wanna go home
Boss: where’s your dedication?
Me : I left it at home can I go get it ?