Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
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*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*