Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
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my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?