Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months

Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on

you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato

You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.

Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.

Whoever came up with the name parking garage really nailed it.

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.