damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
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Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.