damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
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It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
yeah 😭
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.