damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
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I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”