damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
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I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print