Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie

Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet

Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”

not to brag, but mine was free

I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.

guy: man this water is warm

extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh

ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled

Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.

~Wine tasting, you pervs!

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’