Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby

Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight

[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey

Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?

Me: No Sir it will be round

In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili

Me: I’m cutting back on wine!

Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .

“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

*tries to lose weight by talking about it*

My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.

the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?

There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.

*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

*My Gym Schedule*

Monday: Cardio

Tuesday: Intense weight training

Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training

Thursday: 3 year break

When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.

A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

When I said I liked it rough.

A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed

I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.