Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
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I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
My neck of the woods. My leg of the desert. My bellybutton of the meadow.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Wait a minute
Snapes on a plane.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.