Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
You Might Also Like
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Please vote for people who are attractive
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
*Seductively hides in the woods
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.