Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.

Website: Are you a robot?

Me: *sighs* Man, if only.

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔

Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.

He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders

Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.

Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”

“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan

Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭

if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault

Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night

Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

This pepper has seen some shit

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.