Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
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FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
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Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
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The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.