Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
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Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
You don’t even know
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.