Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
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Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁