Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
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I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it