Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious

Amen

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

why am I working on Labor Day

Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.

trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band