Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
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Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.