Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.

When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”

I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.

SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

ME: for like important stuff i guess

CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs

ME: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

ME: she did what

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours

a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis

serving silly goose instead of turkey

“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

Mornin

Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

Wife: Rock the baby.

Me: *plugs in amp*

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!

Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.