Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?

Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.

Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it

My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.

Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

10/10 no notes

It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?

Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

Me: Go to bed

5-year-old: One more question

Me: Fine

5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?

Me

5:

Me: Get some coffee

Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’

“Sookie!”

-70% of True Blood dialogue

Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

Me: I lost twelve followers today.

Wife: On Twitter?

Me: In the woods.

Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!

Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows

i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.