Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
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It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
best review i’ve ever seen
Hey I worked for it too!
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?