Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
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what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.