Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
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Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder