Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings

*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

🤣😂🤣😂

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?

My husband:

Me: Tonight we dine like kings!

*checks wallet*

Me: Like burger kings!

Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq

“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”

-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.

“Just put mom on the phone”

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”