“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
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coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
We went together like toothpaste and orange juice
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.