“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
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i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Worst perfume name ever.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.