Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.

*decides to open Twitter

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.

My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.

If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.

A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.

And just as delicious.

I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”

About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions

Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.

Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.

god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate

bob: karen!

god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

Real 😅

What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?