Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me to God

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”

Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.

“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.

*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*

“This is just ridiculous”

Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me

Trains are just sideway elevators.

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.