Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

🤣🤣💀

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.

She sells c-cells by the seesaw

I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”

doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go

(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?

Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.

Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.

Wife: You’re really on a roll today.

Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.

The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.

me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.

Sheep

My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

God: *creates sunset*

Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?

God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby