Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
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Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend
Me: That tail tho
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.