damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
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The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
A wise man once said nothing.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
My mom texting me from an anime convention
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
