Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
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“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.