Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
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ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
When someone trying to leave me
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.