Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
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Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
You got this…
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.