@briangaar

Damn it’s cold out. Better wear a coat, hat, gloves & boots. Sorry legs, you’re still getting pants only, thanks for doing all the work tho

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@LackOfShame

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

@CovertAgentP

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.

@SeymourDLindsay

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

@ambermruffin

Now that the Statue of Liberty is dark, there’s no way they’re letting her into the U.S.

@GensPlace

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

@Tmoney68

Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.

@GroovyTasia

Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones

Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas

Him: You’re unbelievable!

Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?