Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
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Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
taking June’s advice to heart
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.