Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
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[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
could’ve been anyone
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
*limbos away from your hug*
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?