Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
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The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Just a friendly reminder!
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.