Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk

I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.

When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”

*connects*

Agent: Hello

Me (whispering): hello

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

Become ungovernable.

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

ethics professor: ur failing my class

me: [slides over $20] how about now

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.

📸: @lizandmollie

#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition

when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*

WIFE: the dog got the mail again

ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?

WIFE: because she knows you hate bills

ME: …

DOG: *still wagging*

ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun