Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
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Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s