Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
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[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face