Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
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As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.