I really had high hopes for this year though
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You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Me too door. Me too.
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Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.