[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
You Might Also Like
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river