Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc

I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!

*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now

*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*

-Law & Order sound

“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh

Friend: I hate frozen pizza

Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.

Friend:

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”

*Every other site goes down*

“Guess who’s back…back again.”

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

[on the way home]

Me: I have some tea to share with you

13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?

Me: no, tea as in like gossip

13: what, what brand is that?

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*

“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]

6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!

Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!

6yo: yeah ri-

Me: [collapses]

Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there

Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended