Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
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My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons