Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
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[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house