Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
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If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
