Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
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Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’